Here is some of the feedback we received from participants of the recent workshop:

Stalking the Human Form II:
A Recapitulation of Sex, Gender and Power
Los Angeles, California, UCLA

August 24, 25 & 26, 2007

 

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No words to express the impact of this workshop; I'll still try to.

First, my deepest respect for the way the instructors have been leading us through a theme like this. I was pulled in the theme weeks before already. Gathering my energy around the subject, focusing on the stories around my relationships, now and in the past, and the energy that is stuck in that area.

From the start I was 100% present and alive and it stayed that way. A high level of clarity and well-being. Energy running through my body, connected with all the people there.

The stalkings were amazing, brought my perception up side down. Something in me has changed dramatically. When I was home I was still full of energy the week after, but my "old" life didn't fit anymore. Someone else came home. I became very sick (vertigo and nausea) and I am facing to let go a lot of control on a very deep level. Suddenly for me also the link was clear between creative energy, money, food, emotion and sexuality. Clearing my sexual stories brings into motion all the other aspects, instead of trying to "solve" them apart from each other.

Now it is a time to share with my partner all the unsaid things in our relationship. Cleaning before the next steps together.

Energy vibrating and flowing through my lower disc is part of me now throughout the whole day. Moving, traveling through my body, my legs, my fingers, my bones. It tells me where to put my attention, it tells her own story. I just have to focus and listen. And to accept it as my birthright, it is me! Energy freeing itself from the idea of not being allowed to be felt. Like being born again. Thank you.

What a wonderful and intense event! Again we opened a new avenue for stalking, and never before I felt so much like a beginning practitioner (except perhaps at my first workshop). I have this sense of being a beginner almost every workshop - the practice is familiar and I can see the effects it has had on me through the years - but at the same time it is so new and so fresh.

After this workshop I notice that I am letting go of my sense of self; of some things I hold on to even though I have recapitulated them repeatedly. Like the need to be first, or the urge to show off - I don't consider these bad traits or so, but I sense that I can step back or temper my pace so as to get a clearer and more complete view - and I don't have to be in the foreground all the time in this theatre-play which is my life. I feel that especially the last two topics that we looked at - fear and sex - have brought about this mood, and I love it. It gives me the possibility to see myself in a completely different light, and to research and just look at what and how I am doing things; using my energy.

To be honest I think I expected this workshop to give me some answers on how to behave sexually (which things to do and which things not to do; which are 'bad' and which are 'ok'), but it did not. It gave me something much more profound: the option to realize what it is I am doing - without judgment.

I found the workshop to be a genuinely momentous development, more so than any of the (quite a few) others I've attended. Perseverently addressing similar issues in the same way is definitely accretive; the many efforts that came before without question enabled last weekend's experience.

It was quite a journey, however. For much of the first two sessions I had difficulty identifying with the work. I told myself: my sexual relations -- concrete relationships with other beings -- have been characterized by high fidelity for a very long time. So what does this have to do with me? Whatever may have happened earlier in my life, what relevance could it have (except positive)? What am I working on here?

The importance only began to emerge with the third stalking exercise, which focused on a moment from my childhood that had nothing to do with learning about sex -- yet, kept coming up during mapping. A violent interaction between my parents sent me into a body position very different from the one I generally associate with "bad behavior" of any sort. Why that scene? Why that body position? It pointed me to two issues that enabled a breakthrough. First, even though I had described one signature body position many times in the context of many incidents, I had consistently failed to identify its key feature: face set, eyes fixed. Second, I began to recognize not only that I have consistently evaded responsibility all my life, but what in my early childhood led me to that posture. It enabled me to face a damning realization with affection for myself.

Miles Reid's testimony levered into that "crack" and pried it wide open. Then the fourth stalking exercise completed the movement. Not only had I behaved shamefully at one of very few moments of truth in my gender life, but I could see clearly one point of origin for a lifelong thought that there is something fundamentally fraudulent about me. It was all clear, for the first time in my life.

The opportunity to witness with women, and to listen to feedback during the joint session on the final day, showed me that what we all have in common is vastly more significant than what separates us: that we all, men and women, experience a fragmentation of self, and alienation from our true selves, that is the source of our difficulties. Genuine healing involves re-integration...or better, simple integrity. Tension and integrity...tensegrity.

I'm grateful for this breakthrough, and the teaching that has brought me to this important milestone. There's much work yet to do, but I can see where it goes now. I feel more at peace today than I have in thirty years!

Upfront, I wasn't sure about this workshop. I don't consider myself as someone with sexual hang-ups, traumas, etc. Like Nyei Murez mentioned in the introduction, when I heard that we first should recapitulate our sexual experiences, I did my 'crummy best.' I basically thought this was enough.

Well, I'm getting used to being wrong.

I can now share my life experience with sex with amazing openness. I actually feel like Oprah Winfrey sometimes;

I had very little sex in my adolescent years. I was brought up very religiously, copying my mother's patterns towards sex; pushing sex away, not knowing how to handle sexual situations, being uptight about sex. And of course feeling ashamed about having little sex, because I wasn't fitting society's definition of a 'real man': a real man has lots of sex.

Recapitulating these experiences is freeing great amounts of a very powerful energy. It gives a feeling of confidence, control, silence, abandon. For instance, I can stay unaffected and in complete control in situations that always pulled me in.

I am recapitulating further (with the workshop exercises) to liberate more energy.

Thank you for this feeling of freedom.

Before, during and after Workshop I saw that I have a stereotype for a mating behavior of a "real" woman - flashy clothes, aggressive flirting, using tricks to "get" a guy, being "stupid". Since I refused behaving like this I felt that I am not a "real woman," I did not feel I belong to womanhood. It gave me a feeling that I am not worthy of attention of a man I like, that man I love will never be with me.

In several scenes I was recapitulating during the Workshop sex it was like an experience that I should have because adults do it, because it is how it should be. I forced myself to do it and my feelings were "frozen" while I was pretending that it is not a big deal to have sex with this guy right now, I am cool.

In my relationships I was copying my parents: I was completely power under if I loved somebody just like my dad, and power over when somebody was in love with me and I was not - just like my mom.

I was also afraid to show my sensuality and even feel it inside me because that state was attracting all "those idiots" that were going after me, that could not understand "No" and after repeating it several times I was forced to become rude to let them realize that "No" means "No" and situations became scary. I was scared to be sensual and sexual.

I realize now that being sensual or sexual does not mean to have sex, I can separate these two things and enjoy softness of my skin, my sensitivity, feel pleasure from the wind touching my face, feel my beautiful body, feel affection for myself without any man around. My new dialog is: I am not my parents - I have my own life - I can choose, from the connection to myself I know what I want and I act accordingly to my feelings. I am a WOMAN.

For me this was the most powerful and INTENSE workshop that I have attended in the several years that I have been involved with Tensegrity. I learnt much about my self and my modus operandi and also learnt how to see the world more clearly from the perspective of my sometimes unfortunate female significant others.

Every aspect of this workshop was more intense for some reason. The passes have an ethereal quality to them and have an impact that is immediate and clear. I found that the passes immediately slowed my internal dialogue and brought me completely into the room. While I had difficulty with the speed at which the new passes were taught to us, my inability to really get the passes into a smooth flow did not become a problem. I continue to do what I can remember and look forward with a special vigor to going to the practice groups to learn the passes better and make them a regular practice.

I also found out during my stalking exercises that I had a lot of energy tangled up in my sexual history and thus had developed behavior patterns that were destructive and repetitive, throughout my life unfortunately. The second stalking session was particularly shocking as I recapitulated an early relationship that I initially thought was not of much significance and realized that I had completely objectified and used a girl who was actually beautiful and promising, but impressionable and admiring of me. I discovered that I had perhaps even damaged her spirit through my completely reckless and self-serving behavior. This was in spite of my discovering Carlos Castaneda and Krishnamurti who became seminal influences on my view of myself and the world at the time. I realize now that while I was spouting quotes from Castaneda's and other books with great bravado, I was also using this poor girl and very effectively disparaging any opinion or view she had as "wrong and ignorant" and wounding her spirit in so many ways. I felt great sadness, shame, guilt during the exercises and I will continue to recapitulate my time with her to see if I can re-dream the scenes to let her know that she was beautiful and full of promise and to not take my callous remarks and behavior as any indication of her real worth. The stalking exercise made it very clear to me what my "impact on the world" had been. I know that my behavior was probably at the root of destructive behavior on her part, leading to several unsuccessful relationships with men who loved her deeply. I also know that she ended up marrying a man who she does not love and that she is not happy with and still lives with today.

When we met with the beings with wombs (only one in my trio) at the end of the workshop, I felt nervous, tense and uncomfortable and really did not want to share my story with her. When I actually did I found that I choked up and even wept during my retelling of my scene and my destructive behavior. Later, I felt so much lighter after we re-enacted the scene and I apologized to my female cohort who had assumed the role of my unfortunate girlfriend and perhaps in some small way I felt that I had corrected the damage I had wrought.

I have found the phone number of the girl in question but have not found the courage or the words to say to her. It is my intent to tell her I am deeply sorry, once I have found the courage and the right words. I will continue to recapitulate to ensure that this does happen. While I have not been able to face her yet I have gone to the other women who are in my life at this time and apologized for my callousness and disrespect that I see now, comes from my sense of self importance and my sense of self-pity from wounds that I felt when I was spurned in a very early romantic disaster. I remain committed to making amends in any way that I can clearly see.

I also found the stories of the courageous practitioners who spoke in front of us all very helpful and powerful as I saw my story in so many of their stories. Their attention to details around their stalking scenes gave me insight on what I need to do in my own recapitulation to really see what has happened and what could still happen if my recapitulation is not thorough. I found the stories of (one practitioner) particularly powerful as he was able to draw us into his scenes and share his innocence and his promise and tell us about the deep horror and pain in his life, but yet his manner was so completely without self-pity and shame. I feel deeply respectful and even awe for his warrior spirit. I will strive so that I too can approach the big stories of my life with his mood, his equanimity and his grace. He taught us all a great lesson I feel, and his courage in particular was for me admirable and impeccable.

The music was also splendid and I think helped to add to the intensity of the overall encounters. This kind of learning is rare and the instructors must truly be aligned with the spirit to be able to get so many of us to points of breakthrough perceptions and unentanglement. The impact of this event on the world at large much surely be wonderful and awesome!

I would like to thank my witness for his grace and care in listening to my stories and the female practitioner who told me to forgive myself and bring the changes and insights and my "better self" to my daily life.

Thank you for making this possible. It has changed my life already.

The workshop reached me on many different levels, some of which, I'm certain I am not even aware of. On one level, I became aware of my repeating pattern of looking outside of myself for cues on how to behave and act in certain situations. I now realize that I just ended up being very confused because I was getting so many mixed messages and different signals everywhere I turned. The few times I listened to my own inner voice and spoke out, I felt like I was being told my voice was wrong; that I couldn't trust myself. So I have spent much of my life letting others make decisions for me and being a good girl, doing what I was told, just to keep the others in the situation happy.

Through the stalking exercises, I realize how powerless I was in those situations. With my new view and new steps, I felt the feeling of freedom and power that speaking with my own voice can give me and in turn the other. I am feeling very scared, however of moving forward. It will feel very foreign to speak from my womb and I recognize that it will take a lot of courage and strength to do so.

On another level, I was very aware of an incredible magical connection we all share with Intent. On Saturday evening, when Aerin Alexander was giving us our "biology lesson," I strongly felt the presence of Taisha, Carol and Florinda. Their dream, their love, their impeccability, their unbending intent was very much there in the room with us and I felt as if we were carrying the dream forward.

Also during the weekend, I was thinking of my 22 year old daughter who was scheduled to move 3 thousand miles away from home 12 hours before my husband and I were scheduled to arrive back from the workshop. Even though we had already said our goodbyes, I felt a longing to share with her the intent of the workshop before she left. When we got home, we discovered that she delayed her departure for a day, because on the weekend she got all emotional and called my mother, telling her she really wanted to talk to me once more before she left. When I told her that the workshop I had just come from was very powerful and had really shifted me energetically, she said, "That's why I felt so mixed up on the weekend! We really are connected, aren't we?" This from a girl who has not had any interest in our pursuits of tensegrity. I was able to share the poem and song that the women shared on Saturday night and we parted in the most powerful and loving way. I felt happy and secure in sending her off to her new life! I found out my witness also shared an energetic connection with her son on that weekend.

And then, when discussing our findings from the weekend, my husband and I realized that we had stalked the same scene as our final stalking exercise of the workshop. This is so powerful and magical!

As I said, I am very scared about facing the oncoming time, but I would like to thank all the practitioners who stalked themselves so impeccably this weekend. Witnessing your incredible courage and intent was such a privilege and was also very inspiring. I will carry this with me as I move forward, knowing we are dreaming this dream together.

What an extraordinary experience. This workshop, Stalking the Human Form II at UCLA, spoke to me at a very deep level. Perhaps one could call it a primal level. Through the source disk movements, tribal circles, drum beats and guttural noises of the male practitioners, a new, and yet very ancient description of male energy was portrayed through feeling, without words. The combination of sensorial experiences allowed me to glimpse into the essence of masculinity.

When the women joined the men on Sunday and displayed their womb movements and singing, I was stunned. Their display was so light and airy, yet deeply primal. Again, I had the sensation that I was glimpsing into the essence, the true nature, of female energy.

The combined effect of the bodily experiences (movements and sounds) along with the stalking exercises (writing and talking), illuminated a previously unseen division between: 1) the social aspects of males and females and 2) the natural, authentic essence, of males and females. The stalking exercises identified and uncovered the socialization aspects of male and female perspectives, agreements and expectations about gender and sex. While the sounds and movements revealed the true nature, the primal essence, of each gender. Unfortunately, our true nature and our socialization aspects are very far apart.

But in the end, when the males displayed their source disk movements and guttural sounds for the women, and the women, in turn, showed the men their movements from the womb with singing, the possibility for a new connection began to emerge. Together, we began to dream new bridges. Bridges which allow new ways for male and female energy to interact. Bridges which support cooperation that are more natural and harmonious. Interactions that allow our energies to nurture and support each other. The possibility for this dreamt bridge, between the male and female energies, was also made practical in the daily world by constructing new words, and new choices for behavior.

The most astonishing part for me about the workshop at UCLA, looking back, was actually the part with the men-and-women-together-stalking Sunday afternoon, at the end of the workshop.

It was a real gift for me to share with two beautiful male warriors and me as only woman. So we did 3 stalkings together. Both showed me two sides of my personal stories.

In one case I had to play out a scene from one of the man, being the woman that didn't want physical contact, I had to say 'NO.' Which was really not easy. I saw his pain too much and was close to changing "his" story. It touched me deeply and I am using this feeling to explore it further.

Then we played out the scene of the other man. I had the role of the woman that was persuading and seducing him to have sex and he had to draw the line and to say 'NO' in his new view. This was another side in me that I hardly acknowledge. I had to admit that it was very familiar to me in earlier days and I felt ashamed about it. Another personal story to reveal and to explore further.

Playing out my own scene was again shocking for me. But it was then, that I was able to unravel my threads, my knot and could have a look through it and see how I really am as an independent energetic being. It was THE moment of the whole workshop for me.

My scene was about not being able to say 'NO" and stop the situation before it got out of hand. I could play it in a different way, with a different mood. I was able to stop it and change the whole scene, still in a loving and caring way but also firm and clear. But I saw his pain!!! And I was feeling so guilty!!! My witness helped me out. I asked him how it felt for him, and he said, of course I felt rejected. ( I thought, oh shit!!) But your 'NO' was clear and strong, he said. And I have to deal with the rejection, that's not your concern. Yes, I said, and I am the one that has to deal with the feelings of guiltiness. I am always adopting the feelings of all the other beings I love and care for.

This really helped me to unwind and unbind the threads. And the Pass Letting Go Certainty is helping me with it. I am already bringing it into action in my daily life. Asking my kids to make dinner. Not doing all the usual tasks out of habit. Making the choices more from the heart and the womb.

Still feeling silent and more at home in my body.

I feel that this workshop blew the doors wide open. It's not that I am forever changed by the events that occurred there, but rather that my repeating patterns where never so clearly revealed to me nor the means to change. On the long journey home my wife and I shared our scenes with each other and through that sharing we found an openness, a joy, a freedom that suggests that we have found the royal road. Previously I have looked for witnesses among my male friends because my relationship to my wife was a main source of witnessing material. I feel this has changed. First we heard that secrets kill. Then we experienced first hand the exhilarating freedom of putting your shit on the table. Finally it is obvious that we need not look any farther than each other for a witness. I know that to have many witnesses is great but to have one's closest companion as your ally is to multiply your resources. It's all there. My patterns were revealed not only in all the deep scenes but even in the one that I suspected did not really apply. The most extraneous scene still clearly revealed my repeating patterns. Not only that but all of my interactions with everyone, including my fellow practitioners all showed the tracks of my strengths and weaknesses. On the journey home we experienced a moment outside of time. In that moment we felt the link to other such moments in our relationship, moments when the energy body was with us. We know that sex is a fertile ground for experiencing this magic and already our sex together has expanded into a new arena. Our relationship has been really good, but now we know what is possible.

The steps to take daily quickly turned out to be steps that are required on an almost minute to minute basis. In addition to relaxing my face and shoulders and breathing into the lower disc I feel that removing myself from the center of the scene is most essential. I am not the center of the picture, only a part of it. In this way I feel I am working both as the self and as the energy body to crack my shell. The Awareness of the Four Items seems to play a role in this and my wife is excited to explore this together with me. Together we also plan to repeat the stalking exercises of the workshop with new scenes as it is apparent that we just scratched the surface.

Finally I would like to acknowledge the practitioners and instructors who have shared their stories with us. I would like to have the courage to thank you each personally but that is a pattern I am addressing. It is your courage that blows the doors open. We soar on the wings of this collective intent.

Stalking the Human form II allowed me to access areas of my being I had hidden away for so long. The secrets held inside my source disk were allowed to come forth. I spewed secrets to my witness that I would have never dared to tell anyone. It was very scary and I needed to muster as much courage as possible to walk through my fear. Thanks to the safe atmosphere provided by the instructors and my fellow practitioners I felt secure and supported in this daring task. I learned so much about myself and how I relate to the opposite sex, how gender plays out in my life, how I use my sexual energy, and where and from whom I have learned these behaviors. (Things we rarely ever get a chance to examine in our daily lives.) Although this workshop was very demanding and required guts of steel, upon returning home I have a renewed sense of optimism, an inner joy, a certain lightness that I seek to fully embrace. It's as if I've let go of some heavy matter that was weighing down on me, keeping me from my dreams... If I can face these secrets and send them out there to Infinity I can do just about anything...And I feel closer to my Energy Body. Who would've guessed that by telling our deepest secrets to a witness, examining its specific situation and scene, and re-dreaming the interaction, one would be able to move the assemblage point to the viewpoint of the "other." In doing so we called upon our Energy Bodies.

For three days, we talk. We dance. We share, some of us cry and we do somersault of thought.

"Bloom where you are planted.'' That phrase was one the many phases and mood I got from this seminar. Here and now is where we start to bloom. We are beautiful plants that bloom every moment.

The words are powerful. The instructor said. In addition, we change the words to a new meaning and the best example of this was Miles story about "commitment'. Moreover, the new meaning of commitment: Dedication to someone or something. It is like new views on our stalking exercises. We become lighter.

And another practitioner's story about: the impact of our actions on other people and saying" sorry'' was impressive. After that, we were ready to cry.

After that, for some practitioners were difficult to find a scene. Therefore, Brandon mentions that- there is not such a thing as the perfect scene. Any scene will take you there. Thank for such a nice clarification.

Our lineage-- the idea that we talk about in another seminar have a big impact when the instructor said something like this: "They hand it to us so we can do something about it'' I think that's part of my reason to be here in this planet to heal my linage.
Is it possible or real? There is something to heal?
On the other hand, we have a legacy of love.

Thank you all of you for making the dream come truth.

On the plane back: I fell into a feeling, that feeling, desperate and it was indeed: Is there anybody out there who loves me? No! A feeling from my teenage years. Aha, this is what they meant at the workshop! In my puberty these feelings of despair were so strong that I tried to kill myself - I did not want to live in a world where everything and everybody hurted. I cried, I was completely there. I wrote in my log. Outside, through the little window of the plane, the full moon was shining her serene light. I looked at her and I spoke to her about my sorrow and my fears. I remembered how afraid I was (and am) of doing things wrong. And then, my assemblage point changed: No I did not do things wrong. On the contrary, I have been incredibly tough and brave. I have had a hard and challenging life and up to now I made it! I have stayed loyal, faithful to myself. I have researched all kind of ways, phenomena that interested me. I got a job, I did my best. I took up a study, I built a career, a life. With good friends and colleagues. Experiences with men, marriage and relations, not so good, but I did my best. I saw my life, not in detail, but in the main lines. And I felt proud. Ok I made mistakes, did some things I regret, but mostly, I am proud of this being that I am. And I love her. And then came this feeling of joy and love for life…

May all beings be serenely happy and function according to their true nature!

I wish I could go beyond words and be able to connect with a syntax that could express my gratitude, admiration and awe for the impeccable work that the entire community, practitioners and instructors, and for the deep healing effects that these classes had and continue to have in my being.
I feel that we are experiencing a true revolution as a practicing community of Tensegrity. I perceive that we are navigating in places and moments filled with power, depth, impeccable intent and mystery.
I would like to say that it was beautiful to experience this sense of community that was expressed in all areas: practitioners and instructors collaborating and working together, side by side, during the classes and within the stalking assignments. As a practitioner I felt very welcomed and enveloped by the warmth unlike ever before, or in any class or workshop. I think that this new mood has had an effect of great relaxation within my dialogue, a feeling of the existence of an insurmountable abyss between what we are and what we wish to be. At last, I think I was able to incorporate the feeling that the warrior's path is not a path of self-flagellation and self-recrimination but a joyful avenue while observing and loosening our habitual patterns and moving towards acknowledging and embracing our magical essence.

Each moment was within a warm and friendly atmosphere, a great mood considering the difficult and arduous themes that we were working on: all linked to sexuality.
I was able to perceive that sexuality and our sexual relationships could be the most magical experience, creator of life and consciousness, as the universe itself -perhaps in comparison to the creation of the suns on Orion's nebula, it seems to me…
There were moments where I felt truly surprised and saddened as I witnessed the scenes, many times repeated among men and women, which shredded our integrity, by what the experience of sexuality has meant for all of us. I was able to see how our sexuality is now further away from its sacred place which is essentially what it is…
I was able to see petrified men, with a wilted heart and source disc and a frightful solitude, self-imposed by the view of women as things. I saw men and women coming out of an abyss of fear and pain, bewildered by abuse of their physical body. I could see beings fighting feelings of inadequacy, because they living within a different sexuality than the standard. I was able to see all this but also I could see-and this is the view remaining within me-beings of dazzling beauty, with their complete soul, imbued by their courage, determination and inflexible intent in order to be able to go beyond the fog that darkens our view, in search of the only thing that counts: our magical essence, the integrity of facts, when we welcome and we let ourselves be enveloped by our own energetic body and by the infinite love of earth, our first mother.
I want to say that while reading those words that the mystic Tonantzin, Aztec goddess of Earth told her son, the "Goddess of the Snake Skirt", all were responsible for a true demolishing effect of the rigidness of my assemblage point. During some moments which seemed eternal, I became, literally into the 7 year old little girl that loved and was loved by her First Mother: Mother Earth. The experience was so vivid that I asked myself afterwards if anyone had seen my transformation and indeed some of those surrounding me did. When Tonantzin asked: Are you not among the folds of my cloak? Within my arms´ fold? Do you need anything else? My entire being said NO, I DON´T need anything, your love envelops me and it overflows. I am NOT searching for anything else.

With humbleness and admiration: Infinite gratitude to all of you, impeccable warriors, navigators of awareness and my wish is, above all, to see you soon, in our next stop, our next dance, there in front of Infinity.

From my womb and heart,
A Practitioner

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