Feedback from the Tensegrity® workshop held in Joshua Tree, California, September 2010:
Energetic Facts:
What Do You Know For Sure?

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Commentary and Recording of Luz de Mi Vida arranged and sung at the workshop.

Releasing the Separation: Coming Home: When I arrived to the workshop my body was very tired from travelling but as soon as we started practicing the form I felt the shift immediately, I could feel my feet connected to the earth, my belly expanding and breathing, shaking felt better than ever and opening my being to the stars above me, to the stars standing next to me, all expanding and contracting like the universe, as one being was indescribable. I still feel everybody's presence in the room in a very abstract way. 

Recapitulation: I have one sister and many cousins most of them females. These are some of the patterns I discovered during the exercises:

The “is it true” story?: I feel judged most of the time and looking at my history I know now that since I was a child being the oldest of all grandchildren and children I was set always as the example for the younger. My parents, grandparents and uncles/aunts used to say “How can you behave like that, you are not a good example for your siblings,” my siblings used to look at me as if I was special, at some point my ego appeared and did not want to let go of that position @_@.  This also led me to another pattern which is not speaking up for what I want or need as I have to be the “good girl” or otherwise get "punished"; asking for something at home sometimes was a big deal and I decided to help by shutting up, LOL!!!.  Being afraid of getting punished and not speaking up led me to other patterns like feeling that I was letting my sister down because she will get punished and I could not open my mouth (body and mind paralyzed) to defend her at all while she used to defend me and get in trouble for that. I thought I did not have any personality whatsoever, not even courage to stand up for myself. I felt responsible and guilty and I felt my sister hated me for that. My sister was always communicative and did not care what others thought, the family always thought she was funny and outgoing and that she had a great personality. Other pattern that came out is that I tend to keep my distance from women and rather spend time with the boys, now I see that most of the orders at home came from women (my mother will have the final word on mostly everything) and there was a lot of envy among the cousins, I did not want to be bothered so I did as they said and kept my distance from them.

Now after the exercises I can feel that it was great to be the oldest of the cousins, I understand that being the first of a brand new generation was important for my family and I did not appreciate that before, I feel I have been an example to my siblings by quietly keeping and intending my dreams and being honest to myself.  Being afraid of getting punished and not speaking up for me or others: Now I can stop judging my childhood, it was natural for my body to feel afraid in those situations and I can accept my reactions for what they were, now I understand that even if I wanted to save my sister from getting punished it was her decision to say what she wanted to say, not mine, but I also learned from my sister that it is good to speak up and stand up for what you want and risk your "safe spot".  I admired that a lot from her and I can appreciate that even more. Speaking up is one of my new intents and I am still working on it.  It is not true that the women of my pack used to be always my "pequenas pinches tiranitas," their main intent was to teach us how to survive and they gave us their best and in regards to my cousins it is not true that everything was envy, we had an awesome childhood together, singing, playing outside, dancing, creating things together. I can feel that love and joy in my heart and the only word that comes out is THANK YOU!

Stars: I came to realize that the stars are always there, at any time of the day, we just have to open our heart and let them in.  I am still practicing the form specially when I start judging myself or others, when I have doubts and feel stuck and what comes to me is a feeling of deep serenity and acceptance.  At the retreat center I asked the stars to help me open my heart, to help me change and since then I feel a stronger intent in a very abstract way.

Wolves: First I want to say is Thank You wonderful beings you have taught us so much! When I feel like my little world is such a big deal I just have to remember Cimba and Rocky and wow my little problems lose their power :) so much love yet so sober and elegant.  After practicing the form I felt I had these great big teeth, the sensation of it was very interesting, my sight was soft but very aware, I could enjoy every little thing and my mind was not present at all.  I still remember all the ‘packs’ running and getting to know each other. Leading the pack was also interesting, being aware of each of the members gave me a lot of sobriety, humbleness and a deep sense that we were one and that we are still one, the connection did not end there.  This form and seeing the wolves have changed in many levels the "me me me" needs, I think and we feel more as a pack and I am now trying to be more aware of the members, opening my heart, listening to them with my wolf ears, looking at them through my wolf eyes free of judgments. Teo, Gracias por compartir esto con todos nosotros!!!.  Another thing that really touched my heart was something that Teo said: the wolves even if they have to be in kennels can go beyond that, they are so aware of everything that their own awareness makes the kennel almost non-existent. When he said that I thought of me and my coworkers working many hours in a cubicle and I said we can do that too, we can expand our awareness, the problem is not the cubicle...

Nyei Murez: Thanks for sharing your history and your views. I learned a lot from it and from your humbleness. Sometimes we are so centered in the "me, me, me" that we forget the ones around us, sometimes we are so focused on checking our to do list that we forget about ourselves and your story really touched my heart and specially made me connect with those members of my pack whom already left this dimension and from my heart I send them my love. Thank You Nyei!

Songs: Man in the mirror - funny enough now every time I look at myself in the mirror that song pops up in my head and I smile ; (Thank You!!) and Luz de mi vida I sing that on my way to the train to connect with my energy body and my pack.

Joshua Tree: This was my first time there and the powerful presence of those mountains was amazing, my mind got quiet while looking at them.  Everything was new to me so everything is still fresh in my memory and this place has a special place in my heart, when I remember it I feel joy, power and silence.

Among the nice feelings and new perceptions during the seminar there is something that impressed me; as we went for the walk Friday night to look up at the stars, I was watching my step until we arrived to a space were the stars caught all my attention. There I sat down and felt very comfortable surrounded by people, but suddenly I lost normal consciousness for a moment and I opened my eyes and saw the people in front of me walking towards me as they received a signal to return back to the venue. I found this attractive watching them pass by and I stood up, but then I started to see these figures having no contour; the figures were made of something vibrating and I could even see through them in certain points; but what amazed me the most was the certainty that they had no mass that they were not solid! Suddenly I awoke from this perception and all the people were normal, solid, once again.

I loved that we got out to see the stars early in the workshop, on Friday evening. My petty fears and concerns faded away when faced with the immensity of the night sky, replaced with a sense of wonder and calm.

This weekend of the workshop at Joshua Tree has been a marvelous experience, full of magic and connections with beautiful beings: the other practitioners and instructors, the wolves, the stars, the desert, the trees...My chest expands and my face smiles remembering the sensation that I obtained from the passes and the stalking exercises that we practiced.

After doing the pass under the stars, receiving their energy, I could not sleep much.  I felt I was full of energy and that feeling lasted the day after.  I did not feel sleepy and I was able to be fully present in each moment.  On Saturday when we closed with the wolf form after the hike, I felt my body in contact with the earth, freeing itself with the rest of the pack, looking to relax, protected by the warmth of others.
I experienced the teamwork and alertness during the day and the letting go and resting next to my pack at night.  I really felt that we were a pack, sharing our meals too, interacting every day with different people.

During the stalking exercises I was able to become aware that in a pack there is always an exchange, that in order to receive you must be open to give, and one of my patterns is to judge others and give just the minimum...or just a few crumbs instead of giving with my whole heart and then whine if things do not go well with the other person or if that person gets mad at me.  My inner dialogue in those moments is “I did everything I could, I gave my best” when in reality I could have done things differently taking into account the other person’s needs.  I feel so grateful because I was able to experience with my whole body the importance of being available :-) and the demonstrations of great generosity and support that I received from other practitioners in moments of need.  The image of the wolf that accompanied us the night of our hike is still very clear in my memory, he would stop and look back to make sure we were all following him, waiting for us...as a great act of generosity.

On Sunday we closed by celebrating with music, our discoveries, and connection with infinity.  I was amazed by the group that played for us because to me, that was another demonstration of the great things a pack can accomplish and that each of us can shine next to each other :-).

Infinite Thanks for those magical days and for everything you gave to our being.

After every workshop, I always think:  ""This was the best one.""  But after this one I was sure it was the best one ever!  First of all, it was so nice to have my witness next to me throughout the whole thing, very comforting as if she made me solid.  Then the speeded up witnessing had the strange effect of changing my time sense and we accomplished just as much (or more?) as we do when proceeding at the usual pace.  But the piece de resistance was springing that last exercise in which we had to write, mount, rehearse and present a performance in -- what was it?  -- 20 minutes?  We didn't even have time to discuss the impossibility of doing it.  As a child I had two disastrous turns on stage -- and if you hadn't corralled us all so neatly, I would have had too much time to quail and disappear.  Afterward I found that doing something I think I've spent most of my life trying to avoid released a huge amount of energy and a shift in the assemblage point that I still feel.
 
And the wolves gave the whole thing a very special edge.  First of all I took to being a wolf really easily as if I'd experienced it before in some other life.  I found myself responding to howls quite without volition and I loved the shake from head to tail and did it often on the drive home spontaneously just because it felt so good.  That night half asleep I had the feeling that there were other people around me, I heard voices, I even heard my name called and I had much more peripheral awareness.  I truly felt the alignment that comes with being part of a pack.  That whole feeling of having to struggle on one's own to be acknowledged was gone. 
 
On the way home we stopped at a wolf sanctuary in New Mexico (Wild Spirit Wolf Sanctuary) and spent a couple of hours there.  They had only one wolf that they called an ambassador wolf which they took out to school children and groups to spread public awareness.  Most of their wolves had been acquired from people who found them too much to handle.  These wolves were extremely shy although they were friendly to our guide. What we met at Joshua Tree were the wolves who had made the choice to interact with people.  So we had two very different wolf experiences.  We got them to howl by howling, and they responded with this beautiful low melodic howl which came from all the enclosures.
 
When I got home I picked up a book and this is what I read:  "You are part of nature, and that is your saving grace -- no matter how you try to leave that framework you exist within it, so that you communicate with earth at other levels, even if you refuse to be aware of that communication.  You help the earth survive, no matter how you might at times deny that heritage."  (from another magical book -- Seth aka Jane Roberts)
 
Nyei's talk was magnificent and as usual the songs were perfect.  Stars, desert, wolves, what more could a person want?  Thank you all, and Teo and the wolves for a most marvelous experience.  Till next time!

Indeed, it was a great workshop, but then, they all are.  My most memorable experience was with the Wolves.  I was amazed at how the wolves spread affection through the pack of us when we were all together on the early morning walk up the hill.  Those creatures just sent waves of affection swirling amongst us.  It was a great connecting kind of affection and one that just seems to build trust. It was very constructive and abandoned, without a shred of neediness.  The wolves seemed so open and available without seeming affected.

During the walk with the wolves I got to pet the chin of one young wolf. His eyes reflected openness, infinity itself, That night I found this wolf in my dreams, as if he were waiting for me…

This workshop ended my whole scheme of what other workshops that I had previously attended were like as it allowed me to admire the surroundings of Joshua Tree: its cactus, its desert and the stars, as the city where I live has much light and there is little respect for nature.

On Friday when we went out to watch the stars, I felt a very direct connection and inner peace.  At the beginning my inner dialog “of what am I doing with my life?  How do I treat my body? How do I waste my energy?” and worries such as “what am I going to eat?  I need money”...started to appear in my mind but when we started to salute Orion, Canis Major, my inner dialog began to disappear and I felt stronger, full of energy.  I knew those things will come, that there is no need to surrender ourselves to our worries. We only need to stay connected and respect nature.

Sharing together at the dining area was something that also made us connect more like a pack and it let me recognize practitioners by their names and even interact with them for a few minutes, and break the social structures within me like “they are from another country” or “they speak another language.”

During the hike with the wolves on Saturday night, I could not understand the purpose of the walk.  My inner dialog was “the wolves are pretty” but I could not understand why they were there that night.  It was Sunday morning, when we had another hike into the desert, that I understood how they support and wait for each other and how they do things together, there isn’t such a thing as competitiveness or arriving at a place first if they are not together.  That was something that I would never forget because in the moment a wolf is ahead of his pack he turns around to see where he is and waits for his pack.

When we did the pass to salute the four points where the stars meet (orion, canis major) when we practiced it alone I felt how my chest opened and allowed me to have a different mood but when we practiced it in groups of six, the experience was amazing, I felt how the work of a pack is more solid, has more energy and is impressive.  I was able to feel the members of my team, the way we supported each other working towards a common goal which was waking up our being to realize that we need to stay in a pack to advance without hurting ourselves due to envy, angers,...

…On Sunday when we had to write a poem, each of us with one phrase.  At the beginning I sat aside and let others take care of the poem.  I did not want to participate but I understood that this was a pack exercise and that I had to participate so I started writing a poem.  Then we collected a phrase from each pack member’s poem and created one poem out of all the phrases.  And it came out beautifully.  I was able to understand one of my patterns which is wanting to do everything by myself without participating because I think I am better than the rest.  However, the experience that I had with those people that I barely knew and working as a team made me realize the importance of the pack in our activities.

About the music of “Luz de mi vida”, at the beginning my inner dialog was “these Americans, they always like the show”, but today writing this I understand that they are not musicians but that they love music and their work as a pack brought us a moment of joy and connection with others because we all started dancing.

The experience with my older brother was a discovery.  I always felt excluded because I always wanted to be with him but he did not want to be with me.  Now I understand that it is not that he didn’t want to be with me.  He was just more mature than me at that age and he looked for more conscious, mature people with whom to coexist.

With my younger brother I followed a pattern of demanding respect by imposing myself because when we were children I used to make him practice tae kwon do.  Punishing him and making him cry, I judged him as “weak,” and kept punishing him.  Now I can see and realize that I was repeating the same pattern I learned from others without questioning if that was right. Today I can see that I could have made him like tae kwon do instead of making him hate it.  Now I see him as a being of great character and very smart.

Well, Thanks for everything...
I still remember the place and the way wolves look at everything.

Thanks a lot for the opportunity to share such a fabulous time with you and to learn so much about myself and our friends (humans, stars and wolves).

The connection with the stars was amazing. The magical form "Releasing the Separation: Coming Home" opened my heart to the stars. The night walk was a procession filled with love and scents to reunite with our long time friends the stars, was a reunion filled of happiness and joy. My heart was so excited and as I acknowledged the stars in the sky I felt their response to my joy. They were vibrating with intention of communication. Their vibration sort of communicated a message that I jumped with joy and surprise. My mind couldn't record the message but my heart felt it and vibrated it as well. I have never seen in my life the sky in 3D dimension, it was spectacular.

The recapitulation exercises were very interesting from the point of view that all the scenes I recapitulated from the present and past showed the same pattern of behavior. Always thinking people are better than me, therefore I don't say my opinion and wait for others to make a decision or to give their opinion. With Nyei’s talk about her relationship with her siblings; it immersed me into a journey of joyful hard work into ourselves, into our past history, a necessary journey to erase our own life history. I felt her struggling for witnessing herself and to admit her behavior patterns, and that there was a time when she forgot about her pack. Nyei's journey made me remember events and feelings of a time when I also forgot my pack, a time when I was too busy in college and when I lost a brother. Nyei's words brought to me those memories but recall as well the love and gratefulness of those events in my life. Thanks for sharing and for shaking us from within!

The interaction with the wolves was incredible. I glimpsed for a moment the perception of a wolf; we connected, we knew what the other one was perceiving... and it left a print in my heart and energetic body. I have found my senses to be more keen, with a different perception of my surroundings. I now not only perceive my surrounding with my eyes but as well with my energetic body, like we did (Simba's brother and me) while we were sitting on top of that cliff in Joshua tree. I was so impressed with the interaction with the wolves that I told my sister about it. Interestingly, she reminded me that about 15 years ago I gave her the book "Women who run with the wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Now I will have to read it.

The Sunday "pack" projects and our ‘living’ poem of homage to the stars was also super interesting. The behavior pattern that I identified before with recapitulation was present when we were together as a group discussing what to do. It was so interesting that even in an activity like that everyone's fears, behavior patterns were there making decisions. It’s amazing, incredible and sad at the same time how we carry such patterns in our daily life for decades without even knowing these patterns are directing us in our life. When I went out on stage and said to everyone that "The stars vibrate as a way of communication" I felt I was not me, not the person I think I am. My voice was projected by an inner power and joy that surprised me a lot. Thanks a lot for such a wonderful time!

It was an honor and pleasure to dream with all of you!

This was a very unusual workshop. I think it’s because there were other creatures involved – the wolves. I couldn’t wait to meet them... As soon as I saw one wolf, a very strong memory struck me sharply from the inside: I had an imaginary friend – a wolf when I was for about 4 years old. How could I forget him completely? That was a very shocking moment for me.

I learned from the walk with wolves how strong their will is. How they are able to keep their wild instincts deep inside and not to act according to it. I needed to find that skill in me because I am often acting according to my first automatic reaction. That’s what we are learning by studying the art of stalking. The wolves weren’t ‘wild’ even once, even in the moment when one of them – the youngest of them was nervous. None of them were growling, or chasing the rabbit or doing anything else what they probably wanted to do. They showed to me the tremendous discipline with their reaction and inner silence. I saw how they radiate the happiness of being alive.  I was looking at them and thinking that being alive might be so enjoyable by itself, without all these complications what comes from growing up in human society. I saw that it’s possible to create a harmonic society just like a wolf pack if you start from the person in the mirror.
 
When we were creating a performance for the stars at the end of the workshop, I entered my personal hell called, ‘dealing with people’. Some girl from the group started to make me shut up. She showed to me her disapproval and I started to feel bad again. Every time I heard her asking me to stop talking, I felt rage and had to remind myself about the calmness of wolves to calm myself down. It was a very challenging experience. I was able to stalk my reaction on being in the group and interact – that was far from a harmonic and peaceful process. I was fully realizing the purpose of this exercise – to show to us how we interact with each other. I saw the reason why it’s so hard for me to be part of a group. It’s because I was the only child in the family and didn’t get enough training of communication what siblings do to each other naturally. Also I saw that the collective brain works better then a single one. It works more effectively for solving problems – that’s why we are social creatures – it’s a survival strategy.

Living under the pressure with the step-father for a long time, I emerged with the pattern – I want to please people. In this workshop I asked myself: was my stepfather really abusing me? Is it an energetic fact? It was in the pre-assignment – how long is your story? My story is 31 years old – my stepfather hated me and put me in hell. But maybe it was me who hated him originally, and that’s why he hated me back? I remembered the scene how he brought me a book for the first time we met. I was scared of men at that time because I never had a father or any male figure around. Now at the workshop I saw his intention – to make me love to read because it was his favorite thing to do. This means there was not only hate going on. What I was saying to myself for 31 years was not the energetic fact.

Nyei’s story helped me to find my pattern in the part when she blamed her co-worker for a huge mistake. I used to exaggerate other people’s mistakes and easily jump into accusations, saying that ‘they’ are irresponsible. But it was saying in the workshop – if you are talking about others, look at yourself! Am I irresponsible? No. But I would be if I wouldn’t watch out for myself. I used to be when I was living off my ex-husband’s expenses and didn’t want to work.

The other pattern that I found is: I try to win somebody’s heart but if this person is starting to love me back I move on to win somebody else’s attention. This is because I perceive somebody who loves me as my mother, who would always be there for me and love me unconditionally.

About the music – it definitely elevates the inner state. The song Luz de mi vida in the end made me feel very emotional. I love my Tensegrity® Pack and felt very united with everybody in the room. I was deeply appreciative of this event, to all the people who showed the passes, and to myself for being able to perceive this amazing event in full and being alive in this precious moment. 

Is what I'm writing "energetic facts"? 

Is "being lost" an energetic fact?    The first night of the seminar, while walking with my wife back to our cabin, my sister and niece drove by us while looking for their cabin. A few minutes later we saw my sister drive by again.  We tried to call out and wave flashlights but they didn't see us and they passed into the night.   After reaching our cabin..... my sister drives by again, for the third time.   She and my niece stop by us and we see that they are in the car laughing hysterically at being "lost ". I start thinking about "lost" and what it means and if it is an "energetic fact".

So then later on it hits me that "lost" is not all of what is happening.  What was also happening was  that my sister "kept finding her pack".  I know that my sister loves to keep the pack together. I can see it and sense the way she has gone about keeping those close to her together. So maybe she wasn't "lost" but energetically "keeping the pack together".     Then again, for some more energetic corroboration, the next night after the wolf-walk, she was about to drive to the store and "found" me  in the dark so she could tell me she's leaving for the store. I walked directly to her before my mind realized that my body did it. 

My sister commands to "keep the pack together". I used to get tensed up and resentful when she would say "call your mother" and "call your brother" but now I see this as the words of a wise and powerful pack being.

And since the seminar I've been aware of "chimp" behavior versus "wolf" behavior.    I see how my past actions were chimp-like in that they were selfish.  When I witnessed my acts and shifted their outcomes to the "adult" view, I see the power of the "wolf pack" behavior.  I see how the pack behavior is more encompassing and affectionate than the narrow "chimp" behavior.  It's amazing how positive the "pack" point of view is. This view has helped me already in seeing some of my petty behavior.    Petty behavior like if someone uses something of mine  (like a new fishing pole) and I can't see the joy that using it brought the person (like catching their first fish). I was only seeing that "my stuff was violated".  (What a chimp!)

Saturday Night Wolf Walk:  I was moved by the walk with wolfs and had vivid memories of Matus & Kia.   Two wolf dogs I "packed" with nearly 20 years ago.   Kia , she was 1/2 Asian wolf and 1/2 husky who was rescued and had some issues but was the queen.   Matus, he was from an Alaskan sled dog family (husky with a little wolf).    At the seminar during the wolf walk as I was scratching the wolves and telling them how good & handsome & pretty they were,  I was also sending thanks and feelings to  Matus & Kia.   Feelings of how much I miss them and that I hope that they had as great of a time hanging out with me as I had hanging out with them.   They we're amazing and taught me so much.   Love and thanks Matus & Kia and your kind. 

The Sunday "pack" projects and our ‘living’ poem of homage to the stars:. At first, after the performance,  I had thoughts about what "we, as a group, could have done better". It took me some effort to change my view as I was getting taken in by self-pity.   Nyei's talk about her role in the production allowed me to see the presentation not from my point of view but from my pack-members’ points of view.  I need to review this more but "I'm Gonna Make A Change, .... Gonna Make It Feel Right" – the words from the song: “The Man in the Mirror.”  The lyrics are sitting on my desk right now.   This song is helping me stay away from the internal dialogue of "They did this... blah blah.. They did that".   Thanks for pointing out the lyrics!

 

 

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